I Made A Singaporean Prison Burrito.

Picture credits: The Rooster

For the unacquainted, here's a quick breakdown of what the prison burrito is.

Essentially, it is a sloppy mess of food items that can be purchased at a prison. It serves to curb cravings of civilian food prisoners might have while incarcerated and bears no actual resemblance to proper burritos.

In today's article, I reference Buzzfeed's video on how to make a prison burrito--except, I add my own Singaporean twist.

Why, you ask?

To that I respond, why not?

Ingredients: Standard Prison Burrito

• Doritos

• Cheez-Its

• Beef Jerky

• Ramen

• Ketchup

• Mayo

• Cheese

Ingredients: Singaporean Prison Burrito

In replacement of Doritos and Cheez-Its, we have...

Because #supportlocal.

Beef jerky? Hah.

Don't need no beef jerky when you got bak kwa.

Western prisons use Ramen. Here, we use something that hits close to home.

I used to eat 3 packs of this a week.

Ketchup? Come on, this is Singapore.

Nothing better than free garlic chilli from McDonald's.

For onions, I used, well, onions.

Do I throw this whole thing in?

Lastly, for cheese, a familiar sight in the fridge.

Doesn't this just bring back childhood memories?

The Process Of Making A Prison Burrito

Step 1. Crush the laksa chips

You might be wondering how the laksa chips tasted. The answer is mediocre, and definitely not a good enough substitute to curb any laksa cravings one might have.

I'll be sticking to Calbee.

Step 2. Cut some bak kwa

As I snipped the bak kwa, I started wondering if this experiment was worth the price.

More importantly, could you even get bak kwa in prison???? As the ridiculousness of the situation weighed down on me, I decided that I was too far in to give up.

Step 3: Dice the onions

I made sure to do it sloppily, like how one would in prison. Or maybe I'm just bad at cutting onions.

Step 4: Crush the noodles

I really like Indomie, but I'm not too sure if I like them in a prison burrito. Only time will tell.

Step 5: Add everything into the bag of chips

It was at this juncture that I realised that the pack of indomie I used was expired. The sachet of seasoning powder had essentially turned into a disgusting blob of goo. Eew.

Not to be fazed, I snooped around my house in search of an alternative.

I really like spicy food, and seeing this made me go, "Ah ha!"

Thinking back, I'm not sure if this was the brightest idea.

It actually looks.... mildly tempting.

After adding everything and giving the bag a good hard shake, this was the mix I got, ready to be cooked.

Step 6: Add hot water

"Oi! Don't pour the water on my hand ah!"

Realising that I couldn't possibly document the process while pouring the boiling water in myself, I cried out for help.

"Mummy! Help me do something. Hold this. Yah just hold it."

"What you making?????"

"Science experiment."

Step 7: Compress

Sharp as ever, my mum quickly referenced the Buzzfeed video playing on my laptop and started compacting the burrito into its desired shape.

After letting it sit for 3 minutes, it was time to open up this baby.

Cutting the bag open, I was presented with this grand spectacle.

But wait, it clearly lacked something.

Right, condiments.

The End Result

And with that, I present to you, Singapore's very own prison burrito. Topped with our household favourite, Cowhead cheese and stolen McDonald's chilli.

Singapore's very first prison burrito, basking in full glory.

Ta da!

Verdict

Truth be told, I'm not sure what I was expecting out of this.

It might have been the person in the video who remarked that he had cravings for this even after being released from prison. Or, it might have been my conviction that the savoury local ingredients I used would make this taste great.

How wrong I was.

This tasted pretty much like a mixture of ingredients that were never meant to be combined. A vile concoction of Satan's children.

Try as I might, I couldn't go beyond 2 mouthfuls.

Not wanting to lose my money's worth, I poked around for bits of bak kwa. Surprisingly, when the cheese, bak kwa and chips were eaten together, the resulting combination was fairly acceptable. Apart from that, 95% of the dish was pretty much unpalatable vomit.

Conclusion? Don't go to prison, kids.

- Dylan Teo

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