Meet Donpen
Believe it or not, Don Don Donki is a religious cult. Yes, you read that right – our beloved discount store is pushing a fiendish religious agenda, leading us away from the righteous path of agnosticism. And no, you are not on r/Conspiracy – you are rightfully on nusfatclub.com because we have self-imposed rules and regulations disallowing us from writing farcical garbage out of self-respect unlike the shitposters of the aforementioned subreddit (okay who am I kidding, that is a blatant lie). As you read this, I am sure you are utterly horrified that our lovable penguin buddy, Donpen, has been subtly brainwashing us to subscribe to his religious cult fueled by unbridled consumerism.
To make my case, I have identified 5 legitimate reasons on why Don Don Donki is a religious cult:
Reason 1: Donpen, the religious totem
According to Emile Durkheim, who is considered to be one of the founding fathers of sociology, religion has its roots in totemism. In essence, a totem is a collective symbol that represents both the divine deity and society. Through the totem, people imagine a religious community and express their unity. In essence, totems are like flags for religions (think Star of David, the Buddhist Swastika etc).
In this case, Donpen is simultaneously a divine deity and a totem that represents the values of Don Don Donki itself.
Donpen figurine = Statues in places of religious worship
Donpen is the god of consumerism
Without a totem, the effectiveness of religion is marred by the fact that there is a lack of physical symbol to influence and inspire the congregation. The figure of Donpen that is so often found within Don Don Donki stores serve as a constant reminder for shoppers to reflect the store’s sinister will – to spend more money.
Reason 2: The theme song is a ritualistic chant
In case you do not know what I am talking about:
Their theme song is the furthest thing from a caveman’s inaudible ooga booga bullshit. In fact, it is so darn catchy that I am perplexed as to why the song has not made it to the Billboard 100 yet. When this song is combined with the background noise in-store, it creates a cacophony that impels the crowd to go into an asinine buying frenzy.
While the song has immense musical value, what particularly stands out is its lyrical brilliance.
Lyrics:
When I’m free, I take myself to Don Don Donki
All my dreams come true, they do, whenever I go there.
I can go there on a treasure hunt to find whatever I want
Whatever I want, anything I need, I can find it for sure.
Don Don Don, Donki, Don Don Donki
I’m in paradise, it’s a wonderful place for me
Don Don Don, Donki, Don Don Donki
Let’s go find something good and new tonight
Don Don Donki
I feel so high, (and) satisfied at Don Don Donki
'Cause it’s like a jungle, full of amazing things
If you go there at midnight, you can find a lot of fun
Let’s head on down there tonight for a good time
Don Don Don, Donki, Don Don Donki
I’m in paradise, it’s a wonderful place for me
Don Don Don, Donki, Don Don Donki
Let’s get together and shop for something new
Don Don Donki
Where’re you going now? (to Don Don Donki)
I knew it!
Don Don Don, Donki, Don Don Donki
I’m in paradise, it’s a wonderful place for me
Don Don Don, Donki, Don Don Donki
Let’s go find something good and new tonight
We notice that one core theme emerges in the lyrics – the theme of “paradise”. This “paradise” could most certainly be interpreted as a biblical allusion to Heaven and the Garden of Eden. Donpen wants to deceive the masses into believing that only through senseless display of consumerism can one attain true pleasure. It seems to suggest that any conceivable human desire can be fulfilled by one’s visit to Don Don Donki, theoretically allowing one to attain euphoria and ecstasy that mirrors Heaven. It is utterly repulsive to think that this level of radical capitalistic dribble serves as the keystone of Donpen’s religion. His religion is based on the societal adoption of hyper capitalism and economic neoliberalism and the fact that so many have been tricked into running on his hedonic treadmill of consumerism would have Karl Marx rolling in his vodka laden grave.
The last hope for us to thwart Donpen’s religious agenda
Reason 3: The presence of collective effervescence
Collective effervescence occurs when people come together to engage in a collective experience. It is the extraordinary intoxication one feels being in a crowd. It is in essence, the indescribable feeling of togetherness – like those moments when you give a nonchalant nod to the guy next to you at the club as though engaging in a masturbatory act of self-affirmation that we are all part of the “in-crowd”.
Placing that crude analogy aside, when we feel that we are part of a group, there is a tendency for humans to mimic the behavior that underpins the identity of the group. Think of it this way – when you are at church, you conform to the decorum that has already been established as the norm by the community such as singing hymns and praying. You would be hard pressed to find someone screeching inaudibly or going into a deranged frenzy in church, simply because it is considered spatially inappropriate (Most people would not do that regardless of the location but you get my point).
In the case of Don Don Donki, collective effervescence manifests itself in the form of making indiscriminate purchases as a group. It is as though, one day, a group of people decided to gather around and buy random shit they do not need at the Don Don Donki store as a collective just because some bloody blue penguin told you he has the best deals in town. The hardcore believers and supporters of the discount chain might scorn those who do not partake in their activities and denounce them publicly as infidels. Go up to a Don Don Donki fanatic and tell him “Daiso has better deals”, he will probably take great offence and threaten to desecrate your ancestors’ graves for making such an impudent claim.
What gives? You butthurt asshole
Reason 4: Donpen is Illuminati confirmed
Let this picture do the convincing:
Donpen is not your average penguin in a Santa hat that resides on the moon. He is part of the New World Order, using his discount store as a front to propel plebeians into a vicious cycle of reckless spending in order to fulfill his vision of creating a dystopian plutocracy. By 2050, Donpen will declare himself as a Supreme Being and we will all be subject to his less than benevolent rule.
Reason 5: Donpen is actually an extraterrestrial being
Barring humans, penguins are purportedly one of the smartest creatures on earth. Despite all this, there is little evidence to support that penguins are capable of reaching the moon, let alone live on it.
Here is Donpen posing on the moon
It took mankind thousands of years of scientific progress to reach the moon (or maybe they forged it in a Hollywood basement – who knows?) but how did a penguin leapfrog us technologically to COLONIZE the moon?
We have a top secret footage from NASA to verify that Donpen has successfully colonized the moon:
Donpen is evidently not your average Joe (or penguin). Our avian friend has already built himself a rather cozy looking igloo and has established himself as the first legitimate inhabitant on the moon. How exactly did he achieve this extraordinary feat?
I conjecture that Donpen is actually a shape shifting extraterrestrial creature with an intelligence that far exceeds human comprehension. In order to maintain contact with humans and curry our favour, Donpen metamorphosed into an ostensibly congenial penguin. We have all been ensnared by his ingenious tactics.
I mean, everyone loves penguins
Conclusion
Don’t do drugs kids
Disclaimer
This article is 100% fake news certified and should never be taken seriously in case you did not notice. I actually like going to Don Don Donki because “All my dreams come true, they do, whenever I go there.”
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- M.A
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